What do you do when your true first real long term lover still is in love with you and that spark doesn’t hit the other side the way it did? But you want it so bad. For good or bad reasons. I’m not sure. What I do know is people suck and I’m not at all what I see myself as. The reality is people play games and aren’t interested in me if I’m interested in them…. I just want fun casual dating but I’m so many different things I don’t want anymore. Staying with you won’t change that… But being alone and unwanted is probably my hell. I don’t understand… Nothing is never enough and I just don’t understand these people…. Everything points to “you’re not good enough” when I know it can’t be true. It’s like realizing you’re having a nightmare and you’re doing everything you can possible in the dream to make yourself wake up and you simply just don’t….. But it all slows down as you’re screaming wake up on the top of your lungs bashing yourself in the face. The pit of your stomach drops through to the floor and you consciously realize, oh hey, this isn’t a dream at all. It’s reality.
So what do I do? Do I stay and pretend because it worked and I’m accepted for the piece of shit I am, or do I fly solo in search of something I know just doesn’t exist anymore and get my ego burned over and over completely alone…. I need to learn how to love myself instead of beat myself up. Maybe that’s the answer…. I’m just so volatile.
It’s only been a few weeks but 19 by far sucks more than being 18 for sure. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been given real opportunity now, but it seems like more people give me the whole “you’re only” and “so little” and “isn’t she a little bit…. Young for you?” But like I’ve gotten the idea of these things before. I understand, most people my age suck. Trust me. But now I understand the whole mental development that you can’t help but lack because of nothing more but the pure fact of neuroscience. And it sucks. I feel like I can’t be taken seriously or I’m very much below second best because of my age…. The scene I want so hard to be a part of and belong to is full of a decent amount of glorified idiots, and it’s actually heartbreaking. It makes me wonder why am I still not good enough, it’s like high school all over again, and that’s exactly what they told me. It just couldn’t be true, could it? I just wouldn’t allow it to even if it was, and it totally is. And here I am. Posting my confusion to an unknown 3rd party hoping to rationalize something I somehow missed before. But no. I’m still stuck back at the beginning again.
I guess people just suck.